I suppose I should state this title in the first person: Changing My Thinking, because that’s the only thinking I know how to change. But I do now have some experience with the practice of changing my thinking, and can testify that it works. Non-constructive thought processes once ingrained so deeply in my mind that they seemed unshakable have begun to shift profoundly. And I know the secret to such change, at least for me: It happens one thought at a time.
In some ways, it’s as if we humans are “choosing machines,” geared to perform one single task over and over for the entire length of our days; and that task is to decide what we are going to do next. I’ve heard it said that in between the words “Next, I’m going to…” and what follows is infinity. We are able to make such decisions – in fact, we cannot stop ourselves – and we can decide to do anything we want. Moment by moment, day in and day out, we decide what we are going to do next; it could be argued that this is all we do with our minds besides overseeing the completion of the chosen tasks themselves. When I accept this fact, and understand completely that I am responsible for each of the choices I make, I come face to face with infinity and discover how powerful I truly am!
Think about it: “Next, I’m going to do the dishes.” Then I do the dishes. At that point, my life truly is a blank slate, because it is absolutely up to me what follows. For example, I can follow that with “Next, I’m going to contemplate for a moment how nice it is to have clean dishes.” Or, I can follow that with “Next, I’m going to resent the fact that my spouse did not clean the dishes I just washed.” The choice, truly, is mine.
Each of these decisions carries its own set of consequences. I do not always know the consequences in advance. Perhaps the consequences of the second decision are that I passive-aggressively punish my spouse by refusing to talk about my anger, and it finally escalates into a messy confrontation with my lazy spouse. Just as easily, though, my wounded silence may be understood by my sensitive spouse, who decides to pitch in and clean the toilets, easing my resentment. (It could happen!)
But perhaps the consequence of the first decision, seemingly so sweet and benign, is that my moment of blissful contemplation makes me late picking up my spouse at the airport, and I end up having to endure an angry tirade (one that I cannot shake the feeling that I deserve). Or just as easily, my moment of contemplation could prevent me from being in a nasty traffic collision on the way to the airport, which might have happened if I’d left on time.
Here’s the point: I cannot know the consequences of my decisions, whether they are well intentioned or not. The consequences will always be what they will be, and I am not responsible for them. But I am always responsible for how I respond to those consequences.
I observe the consequences – and there I am again, right back at the same place: “Next, I’m going to…” and I make another decision. My spouse has the angry tirade, which deep down I feel I deserve, and I say to myself “Next, I’m going to defensively justify my tardiness with a lie about the traffic.” Then something happens after that, I make my next decision, and on and on it goes.
Because we are time-bound creatures, such sequential decision making is inescapable. It sounds exhausting as I’ve described it, but most have it down to a fine art, having long ago created mental “short cuts” that allow us to get through most of our lives without realizing how grueling this process really is. It’s these “short cuts” that allow us to function without being overwhelmed by the sheer volume of decision making we would otherwise have to do if we really paid attention to each decision.
And there’s the rub: These short cuts, which make life endurable, are often the source of our greatest suffering. Most of them were developed when we were very young, impacted by dysfunctional family systems and immature thought processes. By the time we are old enough and experienced enough to make proper, wise decisions, the non-resourceful short cuts seem immutably in place.
The truth I have found, perhaps sadly because of the time and effort involved, is that nothing will allow me to circumvent these automatic short cuts in thinking better than casting the light of Awareness upon them, consciously realizing that they don’t work anymore, and, one thought at a time, deciding to make different choices intentionally.
Just as they are built up by repetition, they are dismantled by repetition. And the process is, in the highest sense of the word, a practice. It is never perfected, but it does improve. In fact, the less I worry about the improvement and focus on the practice itself, the better it works!
As my spiritual guide so often chants at me: “Practice, practice, practice.” Forget the results. Just focus on the practice of right thinking, one thought at a time. I cannot change the way my neurons are wired – that’s up to a bigger Hand than mine. My job is to practice.
Another way of stating this is that “the journey is the destination.” Or “it’s about the process not the results.” I have decided that this is the true meaning of Jesus’ words “Seek and ye shall find”: When you seek, you’ve already found, because “finding” isn’t the goal – one cannot arrive at “ultimate” things. The real goal is a lifetime of humble, honest seeking.
So today and every day, I create a humble practice of watching my thoughts. I determine if they are worthy and effective, and if they aren’t, I observe curiously to see why I would continue thinking that way. That curious observation is the key to change - as Bill Harris says, “I cannot do anything that is not resourceful with Awareness.” I find this is absolutely true, that awareness causes dysfunctional thinking to fall away, sometimes slowly, revealed at last in its garments of utter uselessness.
I believe this is the key to curing any bad mental habit. It’s slow, sometimes tedious, and halting at best in its improvement. Some days I take one step forward and three steps back. But over time, the results beat anything else I have every tried, from religion, to therapy, to group encounters, to medicine, to anything. Once I realize I’m responsible, I know it can change, and the answer is all in my mind.
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